After Two Months Of Silence...

Give or take a week... I'll be reviving this again, since it's still here.

This blog will more or less be for stuff dealing with me as who I am, and what I'm dealing with, thinking about.
My blog I've set up at http://julieanne.networkr3.com (a.k.a. "Who Is Julie Anne?") chronicles my journey, and is a bit more upbeat.

Points of presence:
Flickr: Here - http://www.flickr.com/photos/julieanne03/ - Where it all started, and where it will end up - Me, eventually unified, with glimpses of my life beyond dressing up.
PINKessence - I'm on chat at most hours if I'm home, or on the go somewhere with net access and time to sit and chat.
Facebook: Here - http://www.facebook.com/julieanne.morgan3 - And currently world-viewable, I believe, but you still need to have a Facebook account. It's the digest version of me for those who find LJ or Who Is Julie Anne? to be TL/DR territory.
Twitter: Here - http://twitter.com/#!/julieannem - Not quite as active as here or Who Is Julie Anne? - Come on, You know me, right? 140 characters is never anywhere near close enough to capture what I have to say. ^_^;
YouTube: Here - http://www.youtube.com/user/JulieAnneMorgan - The experiment continues, and is a miracle in itself that I even exist. (Don't give me crap because I still sound like a guy. :P [meanies! ;_; ] At least I don't sound like "Meat" from Porky's and Porky's II ^_^; )

I also have a small Yelp presence, and may consider starting up a DeviantArt for myself, but that's in the future.

Film at 11.

Hugs and kisses,
-- Me

One Step Closer To The Truth...

(Hello there, new friends on this LJ - It's been a while since I've posted, I know, but I'm trying to get better. Did I mention I maintain a blog on my own web site - http://julieanne.networkr3.com - as well as one on PINKessence? Most of the time, I send blog posts out to all three places. I also have a Facebook - I'm quite busy building up a presence online, but then, I've always been a geek girl. ^_^; )

I chimed in a few times to the "Birth Order" blog entry elsewhere on PINKessence, and I've heard theories in regards to being born after a miscarriage contributing to making us who we've become, or are becoming.

So, earlier tonight, I asked my mother outright, that I felt I was a middle child, since I knew I would have had an older sibling. Technically, I am, and mom regards me as the first born child of two.

However, mother told me, even though it was a tubal miscarriage, wherein my unborn older sibling was only 7-8 weeks old, and the sex wasn't officially determined (And based off the realization that we all started out female before supposedly receiving the proper hormone wash, in the proper concentration and intervals, that makes most of us male), my sister, who is a bit more spiritually attuned (Perhaps like the real life Allison Dubois, who inspired the "Medium" television series. ^_^; ), felt that I would have had an older sister.

I believe, therefore, my unborn older sister found a way to enter this world -- Through me. Perhaps I am who she was supposed to be.

Keep in mind, this is just a theory I have, but it put me a lot more at ease, and seems to explain a lot before me.

I have not asked mother, however, if she was put on DES while she was carrying me. That's a question I'll save for another time, perhaps when I'm closer to being ready to tell mom what she probably still knows (That I still dress up as a woman from time to time.), but also why I'm doing it. (Which I've never been really able to tell her.)

I have made up my mind earlier today, however - If I end up moving out of California, perhaps in about a year or so, if I can get a job, get my debts paid off, and get a place of my own -- I will take steps to get in touch with other TG individuals up there (Why, hello there, Zoe and Sophia! ^_-; ), and also eventually plan to go full-time, at least non-op, if not eventually pre-op.

For now, I'll remain, as it's been proposed, and what some people consider themselves as being, "ambigendered." The boy and the girl are coexisting, and are co-dependent, but someday, the path will be made ready for the girl to take wings and continue the journey started by the boy....

-- To be continued, eventually...

So, What Have I Done In The Past Month?

From Early October...

* I attended my first event with the River City Gems (TG/CD support group up in Sacramento, CA) - River City Sparkle, in early October - That was my first actual time out, fully dressed up, among others - T-girls, supporters, significant others, friends, admirers. Simply put, it was one of the best experiences of my life so far. I'm glad I was encouraged to go.
* I attended a Halloween costume party for the Gems (And the volunteer set-up session the weekend beforehand - In boy-mode, though.) - I realized one of my costume "dreams" - a schoolgirl outfit. ^_^;
* I've attended two Drab Gab lunches - One last month, and one this month.
* I went to an anime/manga-themed convention up in Burlingame, California, over Halloween weekend - This time, I went dressed up as "myself" - It was an interesting experience. The only two drawbacks were overdoing it in my high heels and the Rangers trouncing the Giants in Game 3 of the World Series. ^_^; Two friends read me right off the bat, while two others were taken totally by surprise.
* I attended my first Girls Night Out last night up in Sacramento, with Melissa from the Gems. It was a great night, I got to see the sights, and meet a couple of other folks. ^_^

That's about it, in a brief summary. Longer reports are still on the way. I'm just waiting for some time to curl up in front of the keyboard and get all of this written out in a longer format.

See you soon!

The Mists Are Lifting - January Entries Are Now Public

I've unlocked some of the "hidden" entries I posted back at the beginning of this year. Initially, I had created a private group that I was going add people to, but, after looking back over the last few weeks, and some recent feedback I've had on some public posts here, I'm gradually making all the posts public.

Most of the text in these entries I've carried on to some of my other points of presence out here on the internet.

Enjoy! More are being unlocked!

My Black Nintendo DSi and "Style Savvy"

I've had my Nintendo DSi for about half a week now (I wanted a pink one, but they were out of that color. Basic black works, in any case.) and I've amassed a handful of interesting games, among them, Chrono Trigger, Elite Beat Agents, Brain Age, and now, Style Savvy!

I'm making gradual progress, and I'm thrilled that you can put together lots of creations, including EGL-themed outfits.

I've opened up a branch on Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection. My boutique, "Papillon" is located in Velvet City, in Taffeta Square, Floor 32.

Feel free to check out what I have to offer! ^_^;

A Momentary Lapse of Reason...

I'm probably going to catch hell for this, but I have to get this off my chest. I've struggled with this for about the past 24 hours.

A friend of mine came up with a theory why I manifest as Julie Anne, citing that I was created as a means to give myself an identity independent from my male alter-ego, and therefore independent from my mother, and if I told her about this side of me, I would lose the desire to continue doing this.

If that is the case, then why is that practically every single day for about the last 14 months, have I....

  • Paid very close attention to how women do their makeup, how they dress, walk, act, etc?

  • Kept harboring an urge to further develop my persona, even down to how I interact with others online, write, do artwork, play games, etc? (I did mention I was playing "Style Savvy" for the Nintendo DS, right? ^_^; )

  • Continued to further refine my makeup (still working on it, it's never-ending... I keep wanting to acquire more.), the way I dress, act, and adding on to my wardrobe? (I'm always thinking about my next dress, skirt, shoes, perhaps an age-appropriate outfit, etc.)

  • Become increasingly envious of all the costume and outfit choices women have?

  • Become increasingly less fond of being referred to as "sir" when I'm not presenting as Julie Anne?

  • Kept hoping for the eventual day when I'll meet people I've kept correspondence with? (fellow t-girls and admirers alike?)

  • Kept planning for my eventual return to the workforce (Keeping an ultra low profile at work, but hopefully getting away with smoother skin, absence of body hair on arms, etc., perhaps considering getting my ears pierced (Hey, "normal" guys are getting both ears pierced nowadays!), and of course, paying off my remaining bills, saving up enough, and preparing to eventually work my way up to a career/income range where I can finally get out on my own, and have the freedom to be whoever I feel like being, initially in the privacy of my own home, and eventually, outside of it?

  • Felt increasingly awkward and out of place when presenting as male?


At this point in my life, I am unemployed, I'm desperately looking for a purpose in my life. My life at this moment is essentially a partial "do-over" - I have the opportunity to more or less reinvent myself, hopefully for the better. All I have to look back, other than bits and pieces of victories, achievements in school and work, and acknowledgements of my talents in writing, art, costuming, and makeup, is a growing sense of overall "failure" in following the "path that is expected of me" in the male gender. I am firmly entrenched in middle age, am still living at home with a parental unit, well beyond the age where I should be out on my own, I have never actually dated, or had an actual girlfriend. I've had a couple friends joke that I was gay (I think it stemmed back with my preoccupation with a character in an anime parody dub called "This is Otakudom" -- A character who kept insisting he wasn't gay, even though he was a yaoi fan, acted and dressed effeminately (Hey, they used a lot of Fushigi Yuugi footage, and the character was essentially Nuriko), and was rather unfortunately named "Donny Gayeman" ^_^;) - I've always suspected one or two of my friends of wanting to "cure" me, even confronting them with it.

I don't need to be "fixed", or "cured" - I want to find out the truth, no matter how many times I fuck up, how many setbacks I endure, or how long it may take. I am re-dedicating myself to the "greatest adventure" of my life -- Who I am, and what my place is in this world.

So, why did I create a female persona for myself? Why did I take the name I was going to be given if I was born a girl? Why do I post pictures of myself dressed as a woman? Why am I studying how real women look and act, in order to refine myself and become better at passing as one? I'm sure I'll find the answers in time, and eventually fade away to follow whatever destiny has in store for me.

For now, I continue asking questions, fighting my way to each individual victory, and as always, continuing to seek whatever truth is out there. I am gaining allies, even a few, and I am making myself more visible, even in a small way. Perhaps if I hold out long enough, my time will come. I have to keep believing. I can't go back and return to the way I was. That way doesn't work for me any longer.

I will not turn back - I must keep moving forward - I must confront my fears - I must overcome them - I will not acknowledge defeat - Failure, purging, or deleting "myself" are not valid options.

I am who I am... No more excuses, no more apologies. Accept me or leave me. I will survive to continue the journey, regardless.

The Mists Are Lifting... Restructuring Coming Soon...

All is gradually being revealed - It's simply time to do so - I've been working on this for quite a while, dividing my time among other points of presence online. I didn't forget about my LiveJournal, however. ^_^;

Nothing too drastic will happen here, but I will be making some filtered posts public, since I've more or less "come out" online. I'll also post here from time to time, since this LJ is important to me. I'll also most likely post stuff here that isn't directly related to me, such as my favorite films, books, games, places to visit/shop/hang out, etc.

For the back story about me, I have my nice, shiny new site - http://julieanne.networkr3.com - "Who Is Julie Anne?"

For those who were wondering, yes, I am that Julie Anne who maintains a photo gallery of herself on Flickr (Julie Anne M.), as well as a Facebook (where I'm not too open about myself, but I keep pushing those boundaries - Besides 75% of my current followers know about me. ^_^;), and a Twitter (where I post stuff that's more or less what I'm thinking/feeling at the present moment, but not long enough for a blog.), in addition to the abovementioned website in the last paragraph.

To sum it up shortly, since I haven't added any LJ users to a filtered group on here (I probably don't get anyone reading this, but if I pick up a few after this post, it's okay as well) - I am a male-to-female crossdresser. It's been a part of my life for over 25 years, and I'm still coming to terms with it. For over half of my life, I thought it was something to be ashamed of, but in the last couple of years, I've realized that's not the case. This, along with all my other spaces online, is my place to be the girl I want to be from time to time. I have a right to exist, in both aspects of myself.

I'll revive some "hidden" posts, update them, and add some new stuff here. It's not always going to be t-girl stuff, but hopefully it will be interesting, entertaining, and on occasion, thought-provoking.

Stay tuned for more as I sort things out and get myself ready for prime time!

Hugs and kisses!
-- Julie Anne ^_-;